Sunday Scribblings-Mystery
Ah, sweet mystery of life! There are an infinite number of things that gnaw at my mind, begging for answers. Mysteries both large and small, like what would my life have been like if I was born 50 (or 100, or 150) years earlier? Or if I had been a tall blue eyed blonde, rather than a dumpy brown eyed brunette? Would I have been a good elementary school teacher, if I had finished my education degree? Or would I have been a better concert pianist, if I had had the chops to enter all those competitions?
There is one mystery that I try not to think about too much, but it occasionally appears in my subconscious like an ugly troll popping it's head out the cave, leering at me with an impish grin. I usually slam my hand down on it and shove it back into the hole, but sometimes I let it stay in the light of day for a moment and just consider it.
This mystery is about the children I decided not have. As a young woman, I was determined to have only one child. There were numerous reasons for this decision in my mind, and they don't matter now. In terms of life mysteries, though, that decision has left me with a pretty huge unsolvable one.
So, now I'm left with questions that just gnaw at my psyche. Would there have been a daughter (perhaps tall and blue-eyed like her dad and brother?) Would she have been a musician, an artist, a writer, or a mathmatician or engineer, becuase all those genes were in her pool? Would she be another perfectionstic control freak like the majority of us in this family, or would she have inherited some recessive, laid back, fun-loving gene from a relative I never even met? Would she be married? Would she have children of her own?
There are no answers to these questions. And maybe that's just as well. The pain that comes from not knowing, is probably also the salvation of not knowing. I guess some mysteries are best left unsolved.
There is one mystery that I try not to think about too much, but it occasionally appears in my subconscious like an ugly troll popping it's head out the cave, leering at me with an impish grin. I usually slam my hand down on it and shove it back into the hole, but sometimes I let it stay in the light of day for a moment and just consider it.
This mystery is about the children I decided not have. As a young woman, I was determined to have only one child. There were numerous reasons for this decision in my mind, and they don't matter now. In terms of life mysteries, though, that decision has left me with a pretty huge unsolvable one.
So, now I'm left with questions that just gnaw at my psyche. Would there have been a daughter (perhaps tall and blue-eyed like her dad and brother?) Would she have been a musician, an artist, a writer, or a mathmatician or engineer, becuase all those genes were in her pool? Would she be another perfectionstic control freak like the majority of us in this family, or would she have inherited some recessive, laid back, fun-loving gene from a relative I never even met? Would she be married? Would she have children of her own?
There are no answers to these questions. And maybe that's just as well. The pain that comes from not knowing, is probably also the salvation of not knowing. I guess some mysteries are best left unsolved.
posted by Becca at Sunday, June 11, 2006
4 Comments:
I agree, some mysteries are best left unsolved. Thanks for your beautiful questioning post.
I agree, I like squashing my "what if's" because I have no control over turning back that clock. A few do-overs would be nice though :) Ya make me think...
yes, i agree that some mysteries are best left unsolved...especially when delving into the "what ifs.."
but there is one question that i think i can answer...you would make a great teacher! (notice i did not use the past tense) you may already be aware but many school systems hire provisional teachers and allow them to work on certification WHILE they are already teaching...i don't know how interested you are in pursuing anything along these lines but just thought i would mention it :-)
The question of children who were never born is a big one for me. I try not to let myself think about it because of the huge emptiness I find myself in when I do. On a lighter note, I spent most of my younger years thinking that if I'd been born with skin that could tan, that if I'd been shaped just a little differently, or didn't need glasses, my life would have been better. "If only" creates such mystery.
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